An outfit comparison and some rants.

Ok, this is going to be one of those post that I write, and write, and write lots of stuff, that make no sense, that I just bable around stuff, trying to organize my head, and as always I end up with my head in a more disordely state than I begin with.

In one point I think about all the good part of this weekend experience, I had lots of fun.
I enjoyed driving, not as much since I was in another city but same thing would be in boy mode. But anyway I was able to drive in such high heels no trouble.
I was happy of the fact of being , well not outside since it was inside 4 walls, but not the same kind of walls that are the ones around my at my apartment.
I enjoyed the thought of being in a place with so much people around, even knowing that like 99.99% of them would not put more attention to the fact I was there, but to me it was a different feeling, a comlpetely new experience.
I loved the dancing, even with my feet all in pain due to the heels, I love the dancing. I probably dance all boyish and ugly, but still I was feeling so happy, so in extasis dancing there. Was like heaven.
It was all fun, all happyness, all enjoyment.

And even as I accept that it all was great, a part of my brain still says, it was wrong. that it is bad, that it was a mistake.
As a saying goes "If it is too good to be true, then it is false"
And my mind keeps hiting me with that tought, that hidden around all those happy and fun feelings, there is that spot, that thing that is wrong, that is bad, that is just waiting for all the emotions to go away to surface and make me feel miserable, in pain.

It's the paranoia thing all over again, the fear of "what if someone saw me, and chaos come from that??"
It's the feeling of guilt, that still lies down in my brain.
It's the sensation of disparity, that tells me that those two is not right, that I might be going crazy trying to live this two sides of me.
It's the sadness, that comes when all goes around, Like waiting for a hug that I know will never come. BEcause no matter what, Jessica still remains just a fantasy, something that I kept lock, that I mantain away from being real, because I am scared.

Better stop now, I am sure no-one wants to read such kind of things.

Hugs
Jessica

About the photos, I originally went to the dance place with the blouse on, but dancing made me took it away (too hot in there), so did those two pics to try to see which one I liked more.
To me it seems like the outfit looks more complete with the blouse, and it helps hide the fact that I have zero waistline and fat belly.
But the top shows my shoulders and arms, kind of add a little extra.
Probably my eyes fooling me,

Bye